Week 2: Give Me 12th, That's Where I Thrive

Logan Gamer: ALLL RIGHT! Welcome to the weekly matchup and power rankings report for the League of Sharpe Gets Last. I'm your god, your king, your commissioner, Logan Gamer. It's September 15th, 2026, week 1. Billy stole Monday night from 11.65 down. Mason hung 187.16. And the week low was 84.52, not saying whose yet, but I build for boom or bust, and boys, always be bustin'. I'm joined by my co-host, Andrew Sharpe. Say hi, Sharpie. Andrew Sharpe: Hi. Sharpe is number one, the commissioner should be embarrassed, and I want the rename in writing. Respect my authority. Logan Gamer: Noted. We'll get to that. [THE MATCHUPS] Logan Gamer: Sharpe is #1 buried Tiddy Boy LaCroix by 56.33. That's me. My quarterback scored less than nothing. Kyler Murray got crunched in the first quarter, concussion protocol, day by day, probably the backup next week. A.J. Brown did fuck all, then hit IR, high-ankle sprain, about six weeks, so early November. Kamara and Henderson missed it, both practicing. Logan Gamer: David benched Dalton Kincaid's 20.0 and it didn't matter. Vacation Dave set that lineup from a beach chair, took the series to 11-10, against a corpse. Andrew Sharpe: I can help. Send me Smith-Njigba, you get Jonah Coleman. Fair offer, you're desperate. Decline it and I'll just re-send it with FAAB. Logan Gamer: Fuck off, Sharpe. We don't have time for trade rapes during the podcast. Logan Gamer: Team Billy trailed Tu Puka Madre 117.62 to 105.97 entering Monday night, down 11.65, then put up 38.6 to 0.0 and won 144.57 to 117.62, by 26.95. Comeback of the week, not close. Billy went 38.6 in one window, Jose went zero, a number you can get by not owning a television. Best seat in the house, Jose. Logan Gamer: Billy's quarterback threw three touchdowns. Zay Flowers went 29.25 for Jose, then a hamstring, day-to-day, questionable, your FLEX limping off, bud. Logan Gamer: NFCDEEZNUTZZ lost 130.1 to 139.46 with 41.35 left on the bench, and the optimal lineup of 171.45 wins. By a fucking mile. Ian, you found the sleeper of the year in round 12 and benched him behind a guy who scored 3.65. Isaiah Likely, 29.3, on your bench. That's not luck, that's a decision. Logan Gamer: Condor was no better, he just benched less. Two drunks swinging, Ian fell first. Condor, you started Rashid Shaheed. On purpose. And won. Logan Gamer: Secretary of War beat ThatH0nkyTonk McConkeyD0nk by 12.05, and coach of the week goes to nobody. Stubbs won anyway. Stubbs, you benched Jalen Coker's 37.3 for Kenny Gainwell. Ayatollah, that's not a lineup, that's a decree. Coker's in a walking boot, precautionary, his word, expects to play. Bryan, Ladd McConkey put up 20.45, then a rib shot, questionable. If he sits, the team name needs a questionable tag. Series 7-7, neither of you deserved it. Logan Gamer: Free Beer at the Strib Club beat Skeeze Machines. Cory put up 147.18. And lost by 39.98. That's not a loss, that's a hate crime by the schedule. Unluckiest man in the league, engraved, first week. Welcome, Cory, the series is 1-0 and you never had a chance. Mason. 187.16. I hate to say it. Good shit. Logan Gamer: Diggs Spears Bass beat World Of WarKraft by 15.95. Sharpe's game. Jason won with a 4-7 all-play, and Mahomes, the trade bait, scored 23.91 on his bench. You're trading the wrong one, bud. Now. Sharpe. Your defense scored negative three. Brock Purdy, 25.1, on your bench, outscoring your entire starting defense. Andrew Sharpe: The Texans are elite. Moyer got lucky. The schedule is rigged. Logan Gamer: You started a defense that scored negative three over a quarterback who scored 25.1. That's not a lineup, that's a cry for help. Andrew Sharpe: God damn it, Gamer! The Texans are a top defense! Logan Gamer: It scored negative three, Sharpe. You couldn't trade that shit for a parking spot. Sit down. Dylan Sampson missed it, left on crutches, still evaluating. Series to Jason, 8-7. [POWER RANKINGS] Logan Gamer: All right, the rankings. Number one, Team Billy, Pierce Freeman. The math says one, and so do I. Down 11.65 going into Monday night, then 38.6 to a zero, 144.57 to 117.62, Hurts with three touchdowns doing the heavy lifting. Billy, you robbed a man on national television and you're getting a trophy for it. Logan Gamer: Business deal of the week. Dart Vader took ten dollars of FAAB and a touchdown off the trade-rape artist, six of the eight vetoes showing up on Sharpe's behalf, and he's sitting on 210. Jordan Mason, 12.4 off the bench behind Carnell Tate's 8.05, and his thumb's questionable. Imagine if you tried. Andrew Sharpe: Six vetoes. Six. That trade was fair and everyone knows it. Logan Gamer: Eight needed. Moving on. Logan Gamer: Number two, Sharpe is #1, David Bruce. Up two, biggest win of the week, 140.85 to 84.52, a 56.33 margin, and the all-time series with me tipped to 11-10. Don't confuse that with coaching. Vacation Dave benched 39.93 points. Chase for 3.45, Pickens 6.3, Metcalf 8.5, while Deebo sat with 19.0, Kincaid 20.0, Croskey-Merritt 14.35. Logan Gamer: Roster's healthy, Croskey-Merritt's groin is the whole injury report, questionable. Set the lineup from a beach chair, beat me by 56.33, and still left 39.93 on the bench. And yes. The parody is second. The original is ninth. Sharpe, don't say anything. Andrew Sharpe: It's a tribute act! Screw you guys. Logan Gamer: Number three, Free Beer at the Strib Club, Will Mason. Week high, 187.16, an 11-0 all-play, and a 39.98-point beating of the second-best score in the league. Mason, 'lol no chance I'm 9'. You were right, bud. You're three. The composite has you third and third is where you stay. The 187.16 is already in the math, and one week doesn't buy a crown. Logan Gamer: Two-time champ off back-to-back sackos, enjoy the view from the bronze. Lineup was nearly perfect, 1.89 left on the bench. Depth chart's a trainer's room. Brock Bowers, IR, day-to-day. Jordyn Tyson, IR, hamstring, at least the first four games. Stribling, out a month. One healthy week from Free Beer at the urgent care. Logan Gamer: And you spent $6 on Kaleb Johnson when every other claim was zero dollars. Six bucks on fire to outbid nobody. Logan Gamer: Number four, Hugh G Rexxion, Condor. Up one, a win is a win and the other guy's bench did the rest. You're the drunk that's still standing. The Shaheed start. 1.4 points, on purpose, Malik Willis and his 18.95 behind it, from one of two clean rosters in the league. Logan Gamer: Number five, NFCDEEZNUTZZ, Ian. Down three spots on the bench alone. Sleeper of the year, Isaiah Likely, drafted 137th. Found by Ian Spencer. Benched by Ian Spencer, behind Terry McLaurin's 3.65. You drafted the entire NFC, six AFC guys, two of them the kicker and the defense, and lost on the bench, not the conference. You're losing because you own it. Logan Gamer: Number six, Diggs Spears Bass, Jason. Up two with a 4-7 all-play, a ride home from the cop. Mahomes, the trade bait for when you need a WR2, outscored your starter from the bench. And you started Tony Pollard for 4.65 over Diggs, the guy in the team name. McMillan, knee, out next week. Logan Gamer: Number seven, Secretary of War, Stubbs. Up two on the win. Bench of the week: Ayatollah Stubblefield ruled Jalen Coker out by decree, Coker scored 37.3 in protest, 82.3 total on that bench, and nobody in the league left more on the table. The Gainwell fatwa. Coker rolled the ankle in the first quarter and played through it. You won, bud, coaching like a man trying not to. Logan Gamer: Number eight, Skeeze Machines, Cory. The rookie. First season in this league, and up three. 147.18, a 10-1 all-play, and a loss. Kyle Pitts Sr. for a zero over Hockenson didn't matter. I hate this for you, Cory. Welcome to the league, kid. Best loser in it already. Now the infirmary. Pacheco, back operated on, out twelve weeks. Charbonnet, PUP, four games minimum. Josh Jacobs, still on the exempt list, drafted right before the news. You didn't draft a running back, you drafted a court date. Logan Gamer: Thomas Jr., shoulder, expected to play. Odunze, calf, questionable. Shame about the schedule, bud. Logan Gamer: Number ten, Tu Puka Madre, Jose. Down three. The Monday night nap. You didn't blow the lead, bud, you went to bed with it. Flowers, hamstring, day-to-day, questionable, your FLEX. The computer says 135.3 next week, best in the league. The computer didn't watch Monday night. Logan Gamer: Number eleven, ThatH0nkyTonk McConkeyD0nk, Bryan. Down one. Harrison Mevis for 1.0, Dontayvion Wicks 15.8 on your bench, lost by 12.05. Do that math in the car. McConkey, the guy in the team name, took a rib shot, questionable. Love, ankle, questionable. One rib shot from ThatH0nkyTonk and a questionable tag. Logan Gamer: Number twelve, Tiddy Boy LaCroix, yours truly. Give me twelfth, that's where I thrive. I busted so hard my quarterback scored less than zero. 84.52, the week low, from the defending champ, trophy's still on the shelf. Lost by 56.33 to a team literally named Sharpe is #1. Reading my own obituary. Kyler, concussion protocol. A.J. Brown, IR till November. Tank Dell, IR until week 5. Andrew Sharpe: It's okay, Gamer. Twelfth is where you thrive. I'm so proud of you. Logan Gamer: Thank you, Sharpe. I'm twelfth. You're still last. Those are different things. Logan Gamer: And last. The computer has World Of WarKraft ninth. I've filed a ticket. Andrew Sharpe: Ninth! It says ninth, Gamer! Read the screen! Logan Gamer: I'll look into it. Your lineup was close, which is worse. 108.71 is what this team is. Andrew Sharpe: Moyer lucked into it. The schedule's rigged. The computer hates me. Logan Gamer: It hates me too, brother. Fine, let's talk about your bench depth. Bench scored 48.55. Starting defense, negative three. Andrew Sharpe: Whatever. The receiver I got from Billy is going to be a star, and I'll take the apology in writing. Logan Gamer: The trade-rape artist finally sent one lopsided the wrong way. Ten dollars of FAAB and a receiver to Billy, and that receiver scored a touchdown for Billy. Six of eight vetoes, on YOUR behalf. Andrew Sharpe: That's not fair. You guys are supposed to be my friends. I'm sending Billy a new offer tonight. With FAAB. Logan Gamer: And last, like always, Andrew Sharpe. [NEXT WEEK] Logan Gamer: Game of the week, Team Billy versus World Of WarKraft, and Billy already got paid. Tiddy Boy LaCroix versus Secretary of War. Stubbs, backup quarterback, 126.3 projected, still making you regret Gainwell. Diggs Spears Bass versus Free Beer at the Strib Club, Mahomes against the 187.16. NFCDEEZNUTZZ versus Sharpe is #1, the bench-off. Logan Gamer: Tu Puka Madre versus Hugh G Rexxion, best projection against cleanest roster. Jose, set an alarm. ThatH0nkyTonk McConkeyD0nk versus Skeeze Machines, the injury bowl. Andrew Sharpe: Prediction. My new receiver goes off against the guy who traded him, I beat Billy by a lot, and the rename is mine. Logan Gamer: Write it down, Sharpe. We'll play it back. Logan Gamer: All right, everyone, that's all I have for the power rankings. Thanks for listening, appreciate your time. I'm twelfth, he's last, see you Wednesday. And, yeah, go fuck yourself.