The weekly show

Logan Gamer: ALLL RIGHT! Welcome to the Weekly Matchup and Power Rankings Report for the League of Sharpe Gets Last, I'm your god, your king, your commissioner, Logan Gamer, it is October 28th, week 8. Tonight we've got a rookie who climbed out of a 14.17 hole, a man who had it and handed it back, and Jason scoring 182.46 like it was a fucking errand. Logan Gamer: And Billy, who scored 84.99, which I'm told is technically a score. I'm joined by my co-host Andrew Sharpe. Say hi, Sharpie. Andrew Sharpe: Gamer, hi. Thank you so much for the platform, and the lighting is incredible, you look like a man who has never been audited. Also, I have a very good Thursday to discuss, whenever you're ready. Logan Gamer: Not now, Sharpe. Nobody asked about your Thursday, and nobody's going to. Let's get to the shit that matters. [THE MATCHUPS] Logan Gamer: Diggs Spears Bass flattened Liberal Agenda by 76.96. ESPN had David winning going in, so ESPN gets the cannon treatment, and I'd like it fired out of a fucking cannon. Jason dropped 122.93 in the opening Sunday games alone, before most of you finished your coffee. It's not a window, it's a goddamn heist. Logan Gamer: His one lineup crime was starting Jaylin Noel over Xavier Hutchinson, and nobody noticed because he put up 182.46 anyway. That's what a week high does, it launders a fucking felony. Andrew Sharpe: Vacation is over, David. You stole my name, you wore it like a clown, and you got exactly what you deserved. And you will apologise to my name on your way out. In writing. Logan Gamer: David, you get the Vacation Dave memorial rolling pin, for the only man in the league who got run over and still asked for directions to the beach. Logan Gamer: Skeeze Machines was down 14.17 entering the Sunday late games, then outscored Secretary of War 48.34 to 4.0 from there on and won by 30.17. Stubbs, you didn't lose that, you surrendered a lead nobody was even attacking. The Secretary of War, ladies and gentlemen, waving a white flag at an empty field. Logan Gamer: You started a receiver who was already ruled out with a concussion, and the zero showed up on schedule, right on time like a bad fucking check engine light. Cory, welcome to the league. You didn't win this, Stubbs forfeited it, and they're going to put that on your goddamn plaque. Andrew Sharpe: I have never once lost a lead, because I have never had one. Stubbs, I can offer you a consultation on late window management. Billing to be discussed. Logan Gamer: Nobody is paying for your consultation, Sharpe. You couldn't manage a lead if it came with instructions and a fucking helper monkey. Logan Gamer: Tu Puka Madre buried ThatH0nkyTonk McConkeyD0nk by 45.7. Jose set a flawless lineup, not one point left on the bench, off a 99.95 Sunday early window. That's the jitterbug perfect. A flip phone era lineup that no modern manager has ever managed, built by a man who thinks the cloud is weather. Logan Gamer: Bryan, you benched Bo Nix, who scored 29.93, for Matthew Stafford, who scored less. The lineup page itself is telling you to quit the lineup, bud, and you kept hitting the wrong goddamn button. Andrew Sharpe: Why does Jose's perfect lineup get a whole segment? Logan Gamer: Because it was perfect, Sharpe. Look the word up, I'll wait, you dumb shit. Andrew Sharpe: Mine was nearly perfect. Everybody claps for the old man. Logan Gamer: Too Great A Burden To Bear beat NFCDEEZNUTZZ by 8.85, and put it on the record that Sharpe didn't win this. Ian lost it, and you were in the room, bud. Ian left 21.0 on the bench. Tre Tucker scored 23.3 over there while DeMario Douglas stunk up the same slot, and that swap alone covers the whole fucking loss. Logan Gamer: So here's your participation trophy, Sharpe. The first win anybody has ever handed you, wrapped in a bow, with a little card that says sorry about the loss. Andrew Sharpe: I won. Look at me, winning. Where are my flowers, Gamer? I demand flowers, a formal apology, and a victory parade with a float. I'd like the float to be shaped like me. Ian, thank you for the donation. A tremendous donation. I won it on Thursday night before you were even awake, and I'd like that framed and hung in the league office. Logan Gamer: You scored points on a Thursday, which is the most shady fucking thing in the whole league. Sit down, Sharpe. Andrew Sharpe: Of course, Gamer. Whatever you say, boss. You're the best commissioner there ever was. Sitting down right now. Logan Gamer: Mason beat Club Shambles by 41.37. Club Shambles is me. I lost. Shut up. So the commissioner is opening an investigation into the commissioner. I'm recusing myself. I'm ruling against myself. I'm appealing, and the appeal is denied, you fucking prick. I left 28.9 on the bench. Omar Cooper Jr. scored 24.25 over there while I started A.J. Brown and Jaylen Waddle, who combined for less than either benched receiver alone. Classic Gamer move. Logan Gamer: And Mason left a shit ton on his own bench and still won, which is the part that actually hurts. Andrew Sharpe: I'm not even going to laugh, Gamer. Ha. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, that's so good. I'm sorry. I'd love to help with your receivers. I have some ideas, you should call me, maybe about a trade. Logan Gamer: Hold that thought, Sharpe. We'll get to your trade shit in a minute. Logan Gamer: Karen Williams beat K-9 UNIT by 34.76. Condor stayed perfect without even trying, which is the most Condor sentence I've ever said. He left 31.93 on the bench. Kirk Cousins, Blake Corum and Harold Fannin Jr. all sat there scoring while Pat Freiermuth gave him 4.25 at tight end. Fucking beautiful. Logan Gamer: Hugh G Rexxion left a whole second lineup on the bench and still won. That's not a bench, that's a witness protection program for points. And Billy, you posted the week low, so you get the floor, delivered by Dart Vader's own breathing. You started the Jets defense over the 49ers defense and made it a lifestyle. Andrew Sharpe: Who audits Condor's bench to win ratio, Gamer? Somebody should. I'm only asking questions. Billy. I'm going to need you to return a favor. I won't explain. You'll know when it's time. [POWER RANKINGS] Logan Gamer: Number one, Karen Williams. Condor, you're seven and oh on a seven game streak, and you're sloppy as shit. The sloppy seven. Undefeated by accident. You cut Kirk Cousins, the guy who scored 23.65 on your own bench, for Jacoby Brissett at zero dollars. That's either a power move or a cry for help, bud. Logan Gamer: Matthew Golden played through the shoulder and the foot against Detroit, and he's questionable now. You're a two time champ, and this is somehow the worst version of you. Andrew Sharpe: Seven wins isn't earned, it's issued. I want to see his strength of schedule. Logan Gamer: The schedule is the same for everybody, Sharpe. You just fucking lose in it. Logan Gamer: Number two, Mason. Three straight wins that happened in spite of your lineup, and you left 22.46 on the bench to do it. KC Concepcion scored 25.95 over there while you started Christian Watson. Dak Prescott outscored C.J. Stroud on your pine too. You win like a stopped clock is right, you lucky fuck. Logan Gamer: At least I'm a two time champ, says the back to back Sacko, every time he blows a lineup. DJ Moore is questionable with the shoulder, De'Zhaun Stribling is on IR, and Jordyn Tyson is still working back from a hamstring. Andrew Sharpe: Mason is second because he learned from my example of bench management. You're welcome, Mason. Invoice to follow. It's a very reasonable invoice. Logan Gamer: Number three, Jason. Up a spot and the week high at 182.46. The hans of Sunday early games, who took the whole building down from the inside. The 182.46 club, and it has exactly one member. Rashee Rice is out, Jaylin Noel was seen in a walking boot, and two more of your receivers are on IR. That receiver room is an infirmary wearing a jersey, and it still put up the week high. Andrew Sharpe: God damn it! 182.46! Where was the audit? When I win by 8.85, it gets a whole file! Logan Gamer: Number four, David. You got run over by 76.96, and the board gave you a raise. Promoted for being run over. Vacation Dave, on vacation from the fucking lineup. Lamar Jackson is questionable with an ankle sprain, so your quarterback is a coin flip. Enjoy it, bud. It's the only thing in your week you didn't have to earn. Andrew Sharpe: David, my buddy, welcome to the climb. You've earned it, truly. You're a role model to all of us. Now, could I please have my old name back? It's clearly holding you down, you thieving bastard. Logan Gamer: Number five, Ian. You stole Isaiah Likely in the twelfth, and you still can't hit the start button. The only thing you optimized was the pick sheet, sweatmeatspence. Saquon Barkley hurt his back and is in real doubt against the Commanders, and Amon-Ra St. Brown is questionable with an ankle. Your lineup is a prayer circle held in a fucking waiting room. Andrew Sharpe: I took a win off Ian. Fair and square. Gamer, would you please confirm the flowers arrived at Ian's injured reserve? I picked the lilies myself. Logan Gamer: Number six, Jose. Up three spots on a flawless lineup. The man who can't work a computer out-managed the whole fucking league. Rotary phone heisman. Brian Robinson Jr. is out and Breece Hall is questionable, and neither mattered. Also, and I'll say this once, Jose has a trade pending with Billy, and we'll get to it in a minute. Andrew Sharpe: I'm filing a formal inquiry. A perfect lineup is statistically impossible without a tipster. I would like the name of the tipster, and I would like it on my desk by Friday. Logan Gamer: Number seven, Cory. Up one spot, the comeback kid of the Sunday late games, and it is Stubbs's mistake with your name on it. Welcome to the league, rookie, nobody's keeping score. Rico Dowdle sat on your bench while Derrick Henry gave you 6.4, and it didn't matter. You drafted Josh Jacobs right before the exempt list news, and now he's carrying a comeback. Lucky motherfucker. Andrew Sharpe: Rookie gets the credit. Stubbs gets the blame. I get nothing. The comeback was borrowed from my Thursday night window, honestly. Logan Gamer: Number eight, Billy. Down two spots on a two game losing streak. Dart Vader, I find your lack of points disturbing, you piece of shit. The Jets defense gave you 0.28, and Garrett Wilson gave you 4.85. Terrance Ferguson is on IR, and honestly he's a bench piece either way. Andrew Sharpe: Billy, buddy, that's a floor. Mine is a basement with a nice couch. You're not even close to my level, and I'm sorry you had to find out on air. Logan Gamer: Number nine, me, Gamer. Down two spots. Ninth is the worst thing a man who thrives at the bottom can be, because it's almost the bottom. Almost is a bitch. Jaylen Waddle left Sunday's game with a chest injury and he's questionable, though the early signs are positive. Michael Pittman Jr. and Travis Etienne Jr. are both on IR. I'm married to the league because half my roster is in the infirmary. Andrew Sharpe: Ninth is a gift, Gamer! You rigged it! Where does the A.J. Brown trade stand? You're trading with your own co-host! It's a conspiracy! Logan Gamer: Number eleven, Bryan. The trainer's room's best customer, and the most valuable equipment manager of the year. Jeremiyah Love missed two games with an ankle, and Christian McCaffrey is questionable. Ladd McConkey is in concussion protocol, wearing a no contact jersey with no clearance. Your best player is a mannequin in a helmet, bud. And we've already covered the Nix thing, so I'll let you keep a little dignity. Andrew Sharpe: Bryan, I have a plan for your injured reserve. It involves a trade. I will not explain. Logan Gamer: Number twelve, Stubbs. You have two hundred dollars of FAAB untouched and a roster sitting in the trainer's room. Egbuka has a concussion, Jalen Coker has a new shoulder, and Tyler Warren has missed back to back games with a groin. Every receiver you own is one waiver claim from a miracle, and you're not claiming. The budget hoarders. The Ayatollah has issued a decree against his own wallet, you cheap bastard. Andrew Sharpe: Stubbs, my friend, it's a hard time, I'm here for you. With two hundred dollars I'd claim a receiver, a running back, a kicker, and a kicker for the kicker. Could I borrow some FAAB, for the cause? Logan Gamer: And now, Sharpe's slot. The true rank is tenth. Tenth in the computer, last in the show, and it's an honorary title, like a lifetime achievement award. Nobody earned it, he just keeps showing up. You won by 8.85 on a 74.22 Thursday night, and you left only 1.9 on the bench. Carnell Tate scored 10.65 behind Tetairoa McMillan. The AI has nothing on your bench, and I can see you're offended. Andrew Sharpe: The AI finally says nothing about my bench. That's discrimination. Logan Gamer: The climb isn't your box score, Sharpe. It's Bryan's injury report. DeVonta Smith is out and won't clear before week 8, and you're at zero dollars of FAAB. Your whole season is a gift from Ian. Andrew Sharpe: I beat Ian, Gamer. I'm owed the flowers, the apology, and the parade. A man deserves a parade after a win like that, and I don't care how it got here. Gamer, my friend. Would you re-seed me, just for the vibes? No ticket. No clerical error. Just vibes, between friends. One cold scheme. The trade deadline is a state of mind, and I intend to occupy it. I will not explain. Logan Gamer: And last, like always, Andrew Sharpe. Andrew Sharpe: God damn it, Gamer! I'm number one! [TRADE ALERT] Logan Gamer: Trade alert. Club Shambles has agreed to send A.J. Brown to Sharpe, and Sharpe has agreed to send Colston Loveland to me. Rosters have not moved, the veto window is open, and four managers already voted to kill it. Four of eight is a standing ovation at a funeral. I moved the guy who scored 8.55 for me, and I got a tight end back, so go ahead and say it. Andrew Sharpe: I fleeced the commissioner. I got the A.J. Brown receiver, the commissioner got a tight end. Sit down and read the receipt, Gamer. I'm renaming the veto window the Sharpe appreciation period. Logan Gamer: A third of the league wanted it dead, Sharpe. That's not an appreciation period, that's a fucking intervention. Second one. Jonathan Taylor goes from Billy to Jose, and Zay Flowers goes from Jose to Billy. One vote against it, and I want that guy's name. Andrew Sharpe: I want the name too. For reasons. [THE WIRE] Logan Gamer: Bryan paid twelve dollars for Antonio Williams, and the only other claim on him was Sharpe's zero. That's an overpay, bud. He bought a twelve dollar receiver to beat a zero dollar bid. The ledger also logged a failed claim on the same guy, invalidplayersource, which reads like a verdict. Bryan also got Makai Lemon for two dollars, and his second shot at Lemon failed because the player was already dropped. Logan Gamer: Kickers. Cory paid ten dollars for Chad Ryland, Billy got a free one in Chase McLaughlin, and Jason cut a kicker for Ray Davis at two dollars. It's a kicker's market and everybody's either overpaying or giving them away. Andrew Sharpe: I bid zero on Williams and the computer said no. Logan Gamer: You also bid zero on Jake Bates, and that one failed because he was already dropped. Your only win is Seth McGowan for zero dollars. You're a fucking one man food drive. Andrew Sharpe: The waiver order is corrupt. It's rigged against me. Logan Gamer: It resets after every claim, Sharpe. And Stubbs and David are both sitting on two hundred dollars, two men who've never met a waiver they trusted. [NEXT WEEK] Logan Gamer: Week 8. Bryan's trainer's room goes against Condor's perfect season, and I expect the trainer's room to lose, in a fucking body bag. Stubbs gets Jason, the week high team, with a full FAAB budget he won't open and a roster full of shit. David gets Billy, Mason gets Ian and his bench problem. Logan Gamer: Game of the week is Cory against me. The rookie who just came back from 14.17 down against a commissioner with a pending trade and Jaylen Waddle questionable. That's not a prediction, that's a threat. Andrew Sharpe: I will demolish Jose, who has not been seen since the Sunday early games, on one good Thursday night of scoring. Put it in writing, Gamer. Andrew Sharpe: I want the apology for the Ian win, and I want somebody to read it in writing! Out loud! On the air! Logan Gamer: Thanks for listening, everybody, I appreciate your time. I'll be watching the veto window like it owes me a favor. Now go fuck yourselves, and I mean that with love.